I have a long post today, so be prepared for a long post today. I hope that you will understand if you choose to read on. The sentence below is not to test you.
But, only read on because you care and wants to :D

I was reluctant when Mikki asked if I want to attend Leader's Meeting with A.R Bernard. I was turned off when Wanxiu smsed me to ask if I would like to serve. I admit I am really not doing well right now. Things turned me off easily and I've already prepared my heart not to even turn up for service this weekend. Because I have assumed that I won't be able to understand what A.R Bernard will be preaching. I recalled I used to attend a service with him maybe a year or two back, and I fell asleep I think. So, I was really reluctant.

I asked Mikki if it was opened for members to go, because if it is, I would go (for the sake of attending I guess). Her reply shocked me, she said for good members. And I was really surprised because I know that Mikki knows that I am not doing well right now, at that very moment. She asked me not to doubt myself. It touches me, because someone still believes in me, therefore I decided to go, and I went.

I tried hard to concentrate during Praise and Worship today. I thought I could press in to God. But I couldn't. To stand there and sing to Him, with all those actions I used to do, is all so fake. I browse across the whole hall, it was so packed. People with no seats and people who are still walking in. I know at that point of time I was separated from God, nothing moved me. 10mins of prayer, I stoned there, looking around, like a new friend, my heart hardened, I was numbed.

I thought today's preaching would be sermon on how to build a church and such, all those administrative stuffs which I think I couldn't care less. But it wasn't, to my surprise.

Whatever that A.R Bernard spoke today, it summarizes the past 1 year of my Christian walk, that was how powerful it is. To that point I realized, I had decided to forgo my first love with God, not because I lost it. Every Christian goes through many ups and downs. All these are just a small process if you see it in the picture from God. But it is also not easy to overcome it when you're really in that situation.

I realized the past 1 year of my walk with God is only Compliance. This meant that although I was very active in the cellgroup and such, it was just because I wanted to be involved. I admit, I was really on fire for God, to catch the vision in Mikki, my leader, but somehow along the line, I fail, many times. I want to be committed, to keep running with the vision. But although I kept praying, I don't understand what the church is going through.

The thing that kept me going was new things that I wanted to learn from Mikki in the cellgroup. I was joyful when Mikki added more task for me, teaching me new things, learning right from wrong. I enjoy that process in getting things right. But when it has been things that I've been helping, somehow it has become a routine.

Everything begins with a
Crystallization is what I am going through right now, and the only way that I can be back again, is to go back to my first love and begins with a new revelation that will brings new affection for me to be on fire for things once again. At that very moment, I realized how important is quiet time with God, building relationship with Him.

I want to move on from Compliance to Commitment.

Anyway, whatever that A.R Bernard speaks today, it spoke right into my heart. But I wasn't touched by God at that very moment, I know I want to seek Him again in the pace I can maintain. But I was thankful that I attended the leader's meeting, and I think, it wasn't that difficult to understand after all. I would like to attend more leader's meeting in the future if I am given a chance :D

I am meeting Wanxiu this Thursday. I think I am beginning to like her as my leader right now. But I know I don't want to open up to people again, because I don't believe in genuine friendships anymore. I don't want to invest in friendships anymore. Anyway, she's the first leader in my whole life that says that we're friends, that alone is sufficient for me right now already. I couldn't believe that first ever meeting we had at Bugis Mac, it only make me laugh right now to think of it. I don't know why I initiated to ask her out, but I hope this Thursday will be quality time spend. God bless.

I am thankful for Mikki in my life, she's the one that sees me through those thick and thins. I like to act tough, seriously, because I don't like to show my weakness. I might accept things with confidence and finish it faithlessly. But my weakness is shown to Mikki inevitably because she's my leader I think. She's the one who walked with me for a year already, thanks Mikki :D

I decided to turn up for service this week, because A.R Bernard is coming! :D

Really need to thank Greg for teaching me guitar! I am beginning to love to play guitar that often. Gonna strum and strum and sing a long :D

Guitar FTW :D

Lord, when will I be on my feet again?