warning: wordy post! =X

alot of thoughts in my mind. let me relate my opinion today.

i finished my week's spiritual journey by jotting it down in my spiritual book & passed it to mikki today, with a card for her that i wanted to give her long time ago. and she was happily relating to shaun about it, & i felt so proud of myself. another revelation for me this week in which i will be sharing.

this week started out very well. some verses pulled me through the day, & i realised that i need God more & more each day. Yes! Lord i need you :D thanks for Jolin in my work place, because she's a spiritual person, just what i really need! she spoke to me, gave rhema to me. i realised alot of things, & it began to fall in place. monday, tuesday & thursday everyday 4 appointments straight! even my consultant was too amazed to say anything. because i always pray that i will be a blessing more than a cursing to my consultant, that's why God killed 2 birds with a stone, by fulfilling my work - getting appointments & also by blessing my consultant thru me because of this appointments i achieved. Praise the Lord! what i always desired, i showed it to everyone, including those in my work place, im so proud of my Lord, & im gonna give grace to Him!

what about friday? i would of couse desire my day to be as great too! instead of telling God i want at least 2 appointments for the day, i told God i want to expect more, lets make it a 4 this time! i want a beautiful number4 for the week! stood out in faith & went to work place. it could be of many reasons, i didnt have a single appointment for the day. i was very depressed, because i thought i could hit at least 4. jolin sensed the sadness in me & brought me out. i thank God for that. she spoke to me, through my heart. she said, why must you put your life into the appointments? why must your emotion flows because of that? why do you only give grace & praise the Lord when you received appointments? give grace even your work isnt smooth because work is just part & parcel of life. you know you do your best, that's it.

when God blesses me with more, in which in His eyes are definitely peanuts, He would expect us to be able to handle these small little blessings so that He can entrust us with more. perhaps i was a little off, because i thought things will go by my way, instead of God's. when we misuse those blessings that He gave, He will take away from it, so that we can be broken before Him, so that we are in lack & need more of Him, this is how He work. so i began to picture the whole picture. another revelation of my life...

i back slided for 6 months before i came back to church again. it was the painful experience for me with God. why? i worked in NTUC fairprice in which they pay higher than my monthly pay in NGO. but eventually i left 10bucks in my bank. if i were to plan how to save, i should have at least 3k in my bank. i thought money was everything, that can cause me to change. enjoy good life that i desire. used to have a just a meal for 20 over bucks. how spendthrift im. i dont like the idea of tithing. i gave shaun a lot of excuses not to. i fret over this trivial & A MUST matter with my temper with shaun, i wonder how he managed to take this. why should i tithe? almost a hundred tithing a month is alot, i can buy more clothes with that, i can go shopping with that, i can put into many different uses with that, why must i tithe?

emptiness in my heart. i began to search for the long lost love - my heavenly daddy. yes, i did made a sacrifice for Him, i quited my job with an overnight decision because He spoke to me, because i want to obey Him & come back to His house. because i wasn't obedient, God took away the wealth from me, yes He literally did it! He made me broken before Him, so that i would need Him once again. because He love me, because His love for me was so great, that He couldn't bear to let me continue leading astray by the world, by the earthly possession that i desired. He planted faith in me for an exchange. so what if i survive only on bread for meals during work? but He work so great than any other. so what if i receive little amount of cash working in NGO instead of fairprice? i came back to Him, my spiritual life is growing & i can see it, it is His work. i believe that im planted into the work place because God wants me to be of a blessing for my consultant than for the cash that i will receive. for He is our provider & i shall not lack because of Him. struggling with the little sum i have, im more pleased because this gave me faith to continue believing in Him, to yearn for Him. He is training me to handle small cash before He showers more unto me. i rather be so broken towards Him, so that my faith will stand strong. i want to know you more Lord!

that is perhaps the reason why i didn't receive any appointments on Friday. to learn that if i cant handle that much blessings, He shall not add to it, so that i will pray & ask for more of Him. because He will only appear to those who need Him, & i want to be made like that. Lord i thank you for your wonderful work. because you work in a special way i never want to understand, but follow :D

attended a talk with Pastor Zhuang on friday. it was such a great impact on me. the doubts that i have has been answered, Praise the Lord for that! i read a book, talking about self-image of a women. & what it impacted me was, women tend to complain that they are fat & ugly. yanking & getting emo over it & yet doing nothing. stop complaining and do it! instead of talking. make it happen! for there's no ugly women but only lazy ones, as a saying goes like this.

once i told xin that perhaps God wants me to remain ugly, because then i wont learn how to be vain & to be so attracted to the world & lose connect with God. but no! Pastor said, many of us may ask him, what if my outer appearance matters most to me? wont i have pride? wont i feel proud? wont i be overconfident? wont i be arrogant? NO! pastor says, we can look good & be humble. being full of pride is when you think your own opinion matters much more than God's words. it had then, answered the issue im concerned.

i always wanted to change my outer appearance before i do on the inside, because i believe that it will give me more confidence to change my inner behaviour, which i thought was easy. but that was so wrong. Pastor said, when you cant change your thinking, even if you change the outer layer of it, your old mindset would picture yourself & in turn change it back to square one.

what you think will always determine what you will be. it will always attract you to be.

i know i possess low self esteem. looking at pretty girls out in the world, who will notice me? looking at how pretty they doll themselves up, wouldn't i want that too? i confess, that i desire to be like that too. i confess im so envious of them. i confess i would pretty like much to be a gentle women in which is an apple to the eyes of a guy. but who will notice me? who will notice the fugly KY that is on the street. guys would just want to quickly shun away from me, they would want to quickly turn their eyes away from me, in case im so sore to them. no matter how true my heart is for love, my low self esteem seemed to pull everything apart. thinking too much became my full time job. how do i stand a chance for them to look at me? i started dressing what i thought was for me, punky & manly. getting a hairstyle that styles, getting clothes that shines. i thought many would admire me, how daring im, how "attractive" i am. i enjoy the attention, surely. keeping "i so man!" by my mouth is what im doing now, for all my friends will know. who will know i dont mean it? who will know im bleeding inside when someone agrees? perhaps they have no choice but to. once i confess im a MAN, im attracted to it. i shall be the way.

i wanna walk out of it. Pastor Zhuang's word came just at the right time. friends persuaded me, im in the midst of getting cash for it. i wanna make an effort to do something. i will no longer be of low self esteem. im going to walk out of it. i want a makeover. but all i have to do now is so dry & boring, & that is to lose weight.

stop complaining do it! ahh deyy!! :D

Lord, thanks for all the words that reminded me how great you are, yesterday, today & definitely tomorrow. i pray that my spiritual walk with you will not stop here, but continue to rise. i pray that as my faith pulls me through the tough periods, you will appear & speak more to me. Lord, i wanna love you so much more today than yesterday. i yearn to see your face. come& be so true to me. amen :D