LOVE & HATE.
i apologise first for the post i will be posting. whether is it the past has been dug up, or it's because it will be a rather emo one. but something mikki once said to me, still set me thinking. im still thinking, it's difficult.
"do not only have love or hate in your dictionary"

what is love?
love is the desire to give at the expense of yourself, this is how my pastor describe love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. this is how the bible describe love. a couple of meaning for love in the dictionary as well.
well.. to me, love is giving, love is self sacrificing. when i "love" someone, i will give my best. i dont know how to describe my best, but just somehow, it's a very strong feeling attracting me to something, event or someone. im willing to sacrifice myself to do anything, be there for that somebody i "love". there's alot different kinds of love, friendship love is something i cherished most in the past, present & who knows? maybe in the future too!

what is hate then?
it's a very extreme feeling towards something you dislike, this is how i define it. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry. to be unwilling, this is how the dictionary define it. i feel very extreme. hatred can make me do alot of extreme things i wont know. i just cant control that feeling.

love VS hate. if i love someone, i will feel hurt very easily maybe because im vulnerable to that person. take for example the friends around me, i love them. so if they were to do things that might hurt me, i will feel very depressed. but if i hate someone, i will not feel hurt, yet perhaps do nothing or something to that someone. maybe this is because im still very hot tempered.

i like it when i love someone, especially when they appreciate the things i do for them. they make my day when they smile. i will feel very loved when they do the smallest things for me in the world. but because im very vulnerable when comes to love, i tend to get myself depress very often.

i hate it when i hate someone because i cant control my feelings. i tend to hurt others physically or verbally unintentionally. it's not because i enjoy it & i always regret after all hurts are done, without being forgiven. but i still like it when i hate someone, at least they cannot hurt me, at least emotionally.

i cant be middle, i cant be neutral. there's only love & hate in my dictionary in which i will always do things too extremely, making people cannot accept it. even if im concerned, i might show it in a very stubborn way. that's the way i hate myself. seeing others being so loving openly make me blame myself even more.

i love to give. i love to love. but i dont like when i love someone, someone can hurt me so easily. then people will ask me why i always emo. but they usually blame the problems that they think lies me in, rather than the problem that had happened to me & not them. when i finally cannot take it, i will persuade myself out of it, to hate that someone so that no matter what, im out of the topic & im free from hurt by them.

darren & V for example. one is my ex, one is once a close friend. maybe not so close, at least i have the desire to make her my close friend. so much love being given out to them, whether it is stubborn, whether it is gentle or whether it is just love, this is just me expressing myself with love. but they can hurt me anytime. they things they do, the things they say & the way they react. it is true that i cant force them to accomodate with me, because they might not know. but im always trying to reach out, trying my best. even if it's stubborn, it's still me! maybe i dont know how to express love, or maybe im just expressing my love. i dont know. dont force me.

when i know i love them to the extent they can hurt me. i want to shun away from that, because i know that they are not worth it. trying my best to persuade, trying my best to reconcile, i've done all i could. perhaps the last resort is always the best, to persuade myself out of it. now i hate them, & they cannot hurt me anymore. i sympathise with myself, because the love is gone. but im happy for myself, because another factor that can let me emo is also gone.

mikki said, "do not only have love or hate in your dictionary" but i cant have a neutral stand. i cant love & hate at the same time. im just trying to protect myself. it's not that im not giving. you ask me to give to those i hate, i can still say yes. but if they think they can still affect me by hurting me, then it's a big no.

xin also say i should have a neutral stand. but how? i "love" too much & i received too much disappointments too. how should i learn to control "love" too? it's a feeling, how can it be controlled?

Lord, take me away. i've had enough. take both love & hate away from me. i rather stay emotionless.

today is the final practice for the a shot to fame event that will be held tomorrow 7pm at CHC! guys, if you still feeling like coming down to support, just drop me a sms at 91147629 :D felt a little pissed by those childish people talking & yanking away non stop. over me head & to the extent they dont feel paiseh im down the stairs. they talked so loud i cant even hear briefing from nicole & beeleng. i feel like giving them one tight slap & ask them to shut up. im glad i didn't =.= sorry lah, im really so angry lah -.- too overwhelmed by anger.

not confident at all! i dont want to put my head down tomorrow just because im at the front row. im not confident about the dress i have, the new specs i will be wearing & of course the new hair. i felt so useless when i cant even have my makeup done, dont have a makeup kit & need help from others. i just dont have the confident. tomorrow i just hope i will do my best. gonna keep memorising the lyrics incase the camera zoom me in when i looked down & forget lyrics. hopefully tomorrow will turn out well. it's my first time being so charbo on stage -.- ohmytian!

Lord, take anger problem away from me. love me. i need your love. i dont need others. i only need you. i dont want to engage humans, they are unpredictable. but you are always there :D