im up from bed. didn't bother to post yesterday because we were on phone til so late. crying makes me tired. so i thought everything will be fine after a night's rest. & here i am, posting about yesterday again.

i guess everything is over. how do i actually feel? sour? relief? i dont know. all i know is i really want to give up this time. he is not worth my time, this is what drilled into my head.

officially ended yesterday. in fact 1.12am this morning. we were together on 040208. our relationship is so fragile.

perhaps ending it earlier would be a much better solution, & perhaps it's my fault that i didn't. i initiated the one-year pact, & honestly, nothing worked out. he is just who he is still, always proud of himself. he creates his own philosophy, & his opinion is always higher than God's. perhaps because he is a born Christian, he dont have the chance to weigh, dont have the chance to cherish. whatever it is, i shall not find excuses for him anymore. im just filled with disappointment.

i always needed someone to lead me, perhaps we met at the wrong time ; when i was backsliding. i was so glad that he is a Christian! & he is able to understand what im going through. but he is as weak as he is, i cannot bring myself to depend on him. telling myself that, he is a mummy boy since young, it's hard for him to grow up but he is always trying his best. but no! it ain't true at all. he is still a mummy boy. he is always living in his comfort zone.

no one is perfect. expectations set it & all i received was disappointment. i dont like expectations, because i just want to accept everyone for who they are. if everyone is to do according to what i expected, this world would be filled of my creation. i feel like giving him one tight slap when he actually says that the reason why i wanna hang on is to evangelize to him. how could i do that when im so limited in my vocab compared to him? i just want to pull him up, give him a chance to learn to be strong. so that i can depend on him, is that wrong? wanting him to encounter God more in his life, is that wrong?

all of his weakness i can accept; including his pessimistic mindset. but what i could not accept is that he is no one who is spiritually stronger than me. so why for i hang on so much? making myself suffocating & in the end gain nothing? love is the desire to give at the expense of self. perhaps none of us achieved that. cant believe that communication is all we had that is strong & eventually our relationship is still so fragile.

adam was first created to lead eve, i shall bury this relationship in my heart.