my dad spoke to me yesterday while i was updating my blog halfway. really tears my heart apart that i didn't want to include into yesterday's post. but i thought i wanna post about it today. he asked me to leave my job, because the expenses that he cover for me is far more than what i've earned. i smsed 2 of my consultants yesterday about it. because my dad suggest that i quit the job. meanwhile he complained that i wasn't contributing to the family & that he wasn't able to communicate with me, i know im at fault. because he said that when i go for work, you're sleeping & when you're back home im sleeping. i really want to make commitments to my family. because life is all about commitments & the ways you do to fulfill that commitment you made. i want to slot my family into my planner. i want to help do a lil more of the house work. my dad compared church & family ; spiritual & natural family in my case. he says that i let you go church for fun, to see more of the world, because i know most of your friends are in church. i understand how he feels, being an anti-Christ & a hardcore Buddhist. but i choose to say nothing, but reply that some decision i made, i wouldn't want to tell you, because you would not understand. take Christ for an example. whatever he says, i know this is a decision & commitment i've made in my life seriously, & i never will want to give up. i always believe that someday, he will understand. then he continued, if you think that this house is no good for you, you can leave anytime, i wont stop you, bearing in mind that this family gave you warmth from young. how can i not cherish this family? looking at my friends who came from broken families & suffered alot, i understand that im really fortunate. it's just that i dont express my feelings out. however, i do believe in Actions Speaks Louder than Words, so i might want to take up some responsibility & make commitment to it. you choose yourself lor, you want "that" family or this family? answer me, he continued. bearing in mind that i can give up everything for God because i picture far more than now. but i have to minimise misunderstanding between both family, i answered "this" & in my heart "that". i know God will strengthen me because He is perfect. i yearn to see His face in heaven. i was too upset, too depressed, i feel like cursing & swearing, but i refrained myself, & the feeling is so painful, i can only tear, listening to "still - Hillsong" yesterday.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
i know i have to be still. because God is always there to give me peace, while the Devil is there to give me worries. which one should i choose? to be still of course, so that i can get out of it. trying to refrain myself from scolding vulgarities is painful because that's normally how i express my anger, but i know God sees every little sacrifice i made for Him, & He shall heal me. i shall soon possess patience.
today is the first day of school! appreciate that jasmine still come to school with me! chatted non stop. haha! missed the class. but somehow the awkwardness is still there. im leaving the group, for the girls to smile genuinely, i dont have to stay there, just to meet my need - to have accompany & yet the girls are suffering. nono! that's not the way i want. since i did my best, nothing worked out, so i shall let it be. God will heal my wound :D
today today is all or nothing;
all the way, the praise goes out to you;
yeah the praise goes out to you!
today today i live for one thing;
to give you praise, in everything i do;
yeah the praise goes out to you!
i believe that i wont be alone for long, for God will send an angel to be my friend, very soon :D not harping unto the past, im moving on. Lord, this lyrics shall be planted into my heart. natural friends may not be fated to you, but i still thank you that i still have my spiritual friends to rely on. they are humans after all, they wont understand, i wont blame them. let me not expect anymore, for i shall not be filled with disappointment by imperfect people. let me expect only from You! for you're my perfect heavenly father :D thanks guys for always keeping me in prayer! loves :D
ohyah! i so bad today luh! skipped the rest of the lesson just to dye my hair at Toni&Guy Academy @ bugis! haha. purple & orange. i thought it looks cool. purple only obvious under the sun, if not it will seem black. but i thank God for the creative shading! next pay to my make up kit & new specs! im so looking forward!
off to complete my spiritual diary le! fill my heart with God's presence :D
PassioNaliseD! jiayou! all the way! our very own recording soon! :D
Lord, heal all my wounds! bless tomorrow! :D for i live for you & nobody else :D