alright. i think it's time for me to blog as well. sam & xin left my house not long ago. today we didn't manage to choose a song for our contest. i hope we'll be alright. to be able to have my own stage is my dream since young. i know i dont have a good voice, i know i dont have the singing skills. i just know i wanna sing. i almost gave up just now. the group dont have moqi at all. i felt that i should just follow them since they are the majority that can sing at a higher pitch. since im the only extra one, i should find my way out. i dont know how. how am i going to settle this myself. xin signed up le, she sent the email for confirmation le, my heart cant find peace. should i back out? i didn't allow myself to join any singing contest because i know that i cannot take criticism into the things i really love most. on the other hand, i know that's the way to grow, to improve. i dont know what to do now. my mind is in a whirl. i just want to have peace, a solution to everything, confidence to perform. even if it's not the perfect one, but i know, at least i tried my best. we're going to have our own recording soon. it has been more than 4 years since this dream is going to be fulfilled. im overjoyed. no word could express my feelings. i will put our recording up into my blog once it's done. i will just do my best, because what mikki said was really true. singing can only be treated as a hobby. i wan to renovate my own room like kbox when i grow up. even if i cant sing on stage, i want to learn how to sing, to be at my best.

im beginning to take another step out. nobody ask me, why do you always call yourself so man so man. no matter how hard i try, that is the only way i can gain confidence. no one to bully me, to stand up for myself. no matter how hard i try, i dont look & behave like a woman at all. my thinking, my action ain't women like at all. not at all! what do you want me to do? how can i ever change? the thing i really did on impulse, i threw all my baggy clothes in my closet & buy all fit tops to replace it. i drill this thinking into my head; dont ever grow fatter otherwise you dont have clothes to put on. i learn how to use cleanser, toner, moisturizer etc. what else can i do? make up? hell no! ain't me at all. anyway it doesn't suit me at all. i wanna build up my stamina. one year since i touch netball again, i miss the sport, i miss the sun. but i have the phobia of running again. i dont know why. i hate myself. i ran 2 rounds and i vomited twice. what the heck is this? BODO! -.- bloody hell. i dont wanna care. im getting myself into netball again. i think sports suit me the most. i will go for it. im working hard now for cash, so that i can change myself, if there's a chance. i told myself, i wanna at least a new bag when school reopen. but now im so tight, every working day, bread for dinner. i dont know can survive til when. i know God is great, but im waiting. i wanna earn more because i wanna contribute to the building fund. Lord, i know you will bless me :D im waiting faithfully.

one happy thing today :D i got 2 appointments! praise the Lord! 3 for this week so far. i wanna strive again. the script is working, kudos to ruxin :D & yes, thanks to Jolin, what i really need is time & practices. i wanna do well. when Lord blesses you, He indeed shower His blessings. im so blessed! giving grace to the mighty Lord!

Lord, keep my fire burning with the infinite fuel you invented for me!