[ Mood | moody ]
[ Listening to | 不够成熟 ]

ting & xin should reach home anytime le bahs. who knows their msn nick might pop up anytime too. so many thoughts in my mind now :( dont know what's wrong with me. a sudden thought of darren. what shall i say?

cleared my room with xin & iggy kor just now. iggy kor went home early cos he giving tuition. after kor went home, xin & i went to the portion on the racks. then there're memories of darren. although he didn't spend alot of money on me alone, but i can see his effort. i read xin's blog before i started blogging, she prefer effort than money spent on her. what about me? i used to envy rich kids going on date, dont even have to bother about cash, go anywhere they like, eat anywhere they like, shop for anything they like. smiles on their faces, sorrows doesn't exist. memories filling rooms. i love it the way it is. but what about a poor couple? struggling for everything everyday. i need love. i need concern. i need compassion. who says i do not need that? im still yet another girl. although thousands of words spoken out of my mouth doesn't say so.

you used to say that i dont get jealous over things & that you wanted me to because it shows love. your rationale was to get jealous because you love someone. is that really so? it was then i began to doubt myself whether my love for you was real. every little things you do makes my mind ponder, am i jealous over this? if i ain't, does it show that i dont love him? but when it come to realy jealousness, in which i do get jealous, do you even know? can you even feel? if you cant, what's up in telling me that i should feel jealous?

you said about taking care of me til eternity. you said that you would protect me forever. then what is enternity & forever meant to you? you dont even have the courage to stand up for me. perhaps it was because of my strong character all along that make you the way you see things bah - i can solve it myself. then why do you always insist that i need you. do you even know the meaning of it? some things you said that seemed nothing at all matters all along, do you know that? i dont like the way when things goes wrong & you'll hide & emo again. waiting for me to cheer you up again. who is the guy now? who is the girl now? it strucked you, yes you're sad, then stand up, go ahead again. why must you pause, thinking and blaming yourself. it ain't helping. it ain't at all. i dont like the way it is.

im going bersark, how many people sees that? i wanna be more charbo, who says i dont? looking at comestics, shopping for clothes, looking in the mirror and cursing myself again & again, what have i done? am i really so desperate? when people call me a butch, it tore my heart apart, making me doubt myself again. perhaps being the punky person really is the real me. but how real can i go? i dont know. i hate myself, dont ask me to love myself because i cant. im letting God down once again.

i ain't doing spirtiually well again. why does this stupid feeling always come to me? but i know one thing for sure, God is always there. hold me, dont let me go. never do, because i believe in you. heal me from all wounds, because im trying to escape again. *slap myself*

i hate emos, scram off right now. bye ky. you're useless.