first post for today is what had been bothering me for these past few months. until i recalled i have a book, the 40 day prayer guide, issued by my previous church, fcbc, that this session really caught me. i know im gonna repent. let me extract one chapter out.


looking good is big business in Singapore;

the cosmetics and toiletries market here was worth over us$350 million in 2002! not surprising really, when you consider the bewildering variety of beauty products that are available. even the guys are going for facials nowadays. as someone's screensaver slogan put it: looking good is a full time job.

physical appearance aside, we're obsessed with our reputation - how others view us and what they say about us. so we are careful to say the right things and be seen with the right people.

that's idolatry of image - the vain obsession with ourselves, our reputation, our standing before men.

the god of image demands a lot from its devotees. the quest to be popular and well regarded is an endless one. there will always be someone new to impress. you will have to try harder to outshine another person. looking good truly becomes a fulltime job.

before long, honesty and integrity go out the window. to sound clever, you may sometimes have to plagiarize, and steal someone's ideas. to look cool, you will have to stop associating with certain types of people, like the poor, the uneducated, the uncouth pre-believer.

jesus vehemently condemned the hypocrisy of the Pharisees during his time. he saw right through their PS attempts, and into their deceptive hearts. how would jesus evaluate our dealings before men? how would he describe the motives and intentions that lie beneath our public words and actions?

reading this chapter repeatedly made me remorseful. this is just because i do not deny that im being seduced by the god of idolatry. im always careful with whatever i speak, whatever i do and whatever i react. im concern how people view me. i consistently remind myself that someone might think of me in someways in somethings that i do, therefore i shouldn't do that. perhaps it was a right thing to do, but i became double minded and thus took the wrong way out.

take poly for an example. new friends, new beginning. i wanted the good first impression infront of everyone else. but i forgot that i may have other sides of me as well. i may sound cheerful, or perhaps acted like one. but i did not consider what might happened and what could be the consequences. when im down, my friends aren't used to it. they may not know how to deal with it. being popular is another thing i struggle too. how do you classfy popular people in your campus? they must look great, behave greatly and think greatly. they might have some special things you see in them. when they are able to influence others, they became popular. but being popular doesn't haunt me from doing this i know i shouldn't. i did not go about doing crazy stuffs trying to capture attentions from others. instead, it went the other way around. looking at others, thinking about how fugly im and how much of a failure myself pulled my low self esteem even lower. they always say, you do not have to bother how people view you, the most important thing is how god view you. it would make me feel better initially, but perhaps only to a certain extent before my low self esteem start reacting again. i try my best to be myself. but it doesn't work. because deep in my heart, i still have the desire to look pretty, to be able to be noticed by people. i want to be surrounded by friends. but do i actually know who i really am? the answer is no.

if i love myself, i would be able to stand up for myself. i admit that im weak emotionally and little things do affect me. it's alright! no worries! they said. but still, i kept telling myself, it isn't alright at all, i must do something to make things better. i should have left things with god. i should have thrown all burdens unto him. for he will take care of all my needs and problems. im struggling from low self esteem. i could not control my mind about what is bothering it and what im pondering about. when things dont go my way, i put it into my heart. i let things be like that. only when things are really big, i would blow my temper unto anything i could find. that is me.

my sister always say, you should have your own stand. why must you care about what others think about you? they may be wrong. there are possiblities that they are wrong. what if they are wrong? have you thought about yourself? darren always say, you should be more expressive. when it comes to the things you dislike, express it out, instead of going ahead with it. this would make others more suffocated than they really are.

• examine your heart. go deep. have you been seduced by the god of image? are you obsessed with how others perceive you? have you been pretending to be smarter or more spiritual than you really are? do you fish for compliments? are you easily upset when others misinterpret or misunderstand you? this is a very private, personal issue. god knows and you know. humbly seek god in honest confession and repentance.

im afraid of misunderstandings. because people view me differently. but why must i be so eager to show them who i really am? if they would want to know me more, they would have taken a greater step to know me more, right? i do not have to place a price on my ego and really show them who i really am. this would make me like an item on the shelves, waiting for people to notice me. i am just who i am. if you dont like me, then scram and get lost. you are not paid to entertain me.

i love everyone. no matter what kind a person you are. and i believe someone will love me for who i really am. and the first is my heavenly daddy (:

reference from faith community baptise church, 40 day prayer guide 2006; thanking god for 20 years of faith. the year of celebration. copyright faith community baptise church 2006;